Friday, January 8, 2010

How To Solve All Celebrity Scandals Forever

I've been hearing a lot about celebrities behaving badly lately. Every time I turn on celebrity gossip shows, they're talking about celebrity gossip, and frankly, I'm sick of it. I watch these shows day in and day out waiting for them to give me the damn football score, but they never do!

In light of this frustration, I have decided there is only one solution: end celebrity scandal forever.

Over the past couple of minutes, I have considered the best ways to accomplish this. My first solution was to make everyone celebrities, because when everybody is a celebrity, no one will be. I would have accomplished this by giving everyone on Earth their own reality TV show, but that fell through when I realized there would be nobody left to film it all. Tripod technology must advance to brave new heights before this gem of an idea can shine.

My second, insanely brilliant solution was to buy out all the news networks and replace them with increasing numeric incarnations of ESPN, thereby guaranteeing that someone, somewhere would give me the damn score. Unfortunately, all that appears to be in my piggy bank at the moment is a button for a jacket I no longer own and one extremely territorial spider, so I don't have the necessary funds to pull this off. I'm considering getting a paper route to rectify this.

My third solution, one ordained by the heavens themselves and delivered unto my brain by a heavenly choir, was to encourage all celebrities to move to Las Vegas. I have been informed that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, so should the celebrities misbehave, we won't have to hear about. Whatever misbehavior they indulge in will be engulfed by the black hole that is the glittery Vega strip, sparing the rest of us the misery and torment of learning that many of the celebrities we love and idolize are over-glorified jackasses.

Of course, while these are all good ideas, it has just now this very instant occurred to me that I can probably find football scores online, which would probably be a lot easier. Let's see if I can find the one I was looking for...

Ah, here we go! 12.


  1. Very nice, gotta love a good ending laugh.

    My personal solution to celebrity scandal? NEVER, EVER watch TV. Read the news online, record Good Eats, no exposure, no worries.

  2. Thats funny. My solution is to go to college in an place that doesn't get good tv and just read the newspapers we have at the school post office. Watching the news online, however, results in me knowing more about whats happening in northern ireland rather than at home(bbc- nice, but not useful to me for local weather)

  3. Solution: check your football scores online.

  4. (Any time you want the scores, I mean, instead of just this one time.)

  5. You're brilliant, you know that? Very much so.

  6. Great ideas! (Although I will admit, I do take a guilty pleasure in listening to Perez Hilton's celebrity gossip on my way to work, but that's largely just because Perez is entertaining)

    On an unrelated note, props for the Bun-Bun plushie!

  7. As one who actually has moved to Las Vegas, though not a celebrity, I can give you an insider's perspective.

    That phrase is actually a mutated version of our motto. The true phrase is "What happens [to be money] in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

    You are still accountable for everything you do, regardless of your location. We just take your money.

  8. I actually think this could work.
    I mean, Celine Dion has been reduced to a Vegas act, and she's NEVER in any scandals.

    Only one problem: can we make them STAY in Vegas?

  9. The problem is not what celebrities do, but the interest people have on what they do. If people didn't care, it wouldn't be news.

    So, if you stuck all celebrities in Vegas, all that would happen is that papparazzis would create a holiday in your honor for making their job that much easier.